Since when....

did I become chinese? every single day, without fail when i walk down the street, no matter where i go, people call out "chinita." i have to say, though, that names like "chinita" "negrita" and "gringita" (slang for white girl) aren´t actually considered offensive in the eyes of most Hondurans. Often you will here other Hondurans refer to their fellow countrymen "chino" or "negro" if they "fit the profile." If someone is really light skinned, they are called "chele," "leche" spelled backwards. (leche means milk). my site mate was telling me of a story about her Honduran next door neighbors in training. the little 6 year old boy was often called chele by his family and friends. it was normal. i don´t think she ever learned his real name.

I have been here for nearly 6 months and have always been called "chinita" (hardly ever gringita unless i am aroung other gringos). i often get asked "where are you from?" i say "the states" and they say "no really where are you from?" and i say "the states." and they say, "no, where are you FROM?" and i say "the states, GEORGIA." but you have chinese eyes." "no actually they are korean eyes,"i explain. "ohhhhhhh," they say. almost everytime, but atleast they ask?! right?? i always explain politely ( because, for the most part they genuinely think i am chinese. some people especially from very small villages have no idea what or where Korea is. why would they? they are just trying to live. world affairs are the least of their concern.

okay, since "chinita" the word "chinita" doesn´t REALLY bother me. (note: "ita" is a diminuitive. when added to a word it actually makes that object smaller, for example "casita" instead of "casa" or it makes the word much sweeter, like "Angelita" for example, more endearing) then why do i write to you guys about this???? well, every single day, one can not walk down the street without hearing some pass, some cat call from a man. it doesn´t matter what age, their color, income level, or marital status....men will say things like "preciosa," "bonita," "mamacita," "muñeca" and those things.... aren´t half- bad precious, pretty, bonita, doll...little mama is a bit wierd, but stuff like "grandotas," "quiero chupar," "grossera" and cat calls like that are......disgusting the way it is hissed at you makes you want to scream. i wish that i could communicate how it is said but it would never translate in writing. men make passes in the states too, sure! but i have never.... ever in my life experienced this ever. some volunteers say that you get used to it after a while. some say you will never get use to it (I bet for the later). i have spoken with Honduran women who say this is totally normal and it is part of the culture. i know we are suppose to integrate, cross-cultural understanding blah blah blah, but geez! AHHHHH!!!

Back to my chineseness. okay this past sunday, i was walking to the market about 6.30a.m. beautiful morning not humid yet, slight breeze and then a car full of honduran guys drive by and start honking incessantly. at first i thought something had happened, but then i realized they were honking at me. (my guess is that they were still up from the night before.) they stop right in the middle of the street where i was walking and started saying "choiy yoing yoing. tu comes ratones? choiy yoing yoing." need a translation??? "choiy yoing yoing. do you eat rats? choiy yoing yoing.?" i was so upset. so upset. i couldn´t even begin to describe how i felt. i remember experiencing stuff like that when i was a child being the only asian kid in school, but as a grownup....never!!!!! i wasn´t even mad, to tell you the truth. i was actually sad. i was hurt. for what? you tell me. it was shocking to me too. the worst part is, is that i couldn´t do anything, I DIDN´T DO ANYTHING! of course i could have done something but it wouldn´t have been nice and wouldn´t have been worth it. the car was stopped in the middle of the road and didn´t move. i could have easily stopped to say something back or whatever but.....i kept walking. I KEPT WALKING. as i walked they drove and continued with the same. I kept walking....

....walking was actually a calming delightful activity for me back in the states (i miss you Zeus) it is now an everyday hassle. i try to take different paths but....still the same thing. when i pass someone one on the street and they say "que le vaya bien" or "buenas" i am so overjoyed. they have no idea how much it means to me. but the "buenas´s" don´t surmount to the "chinitas" or the "preciosas," sad to say.

Possibly, this has been happening all a long and i just didn´t notice it, too overwhelmed with evrything else to even give a damn, but now....yes. like the Honduran ladies say "it is part of the culture." it really is and it is just how one chooses to deal with it which will make them or break them. i can´t say that i won´t feel the pain i felt this past sunday to be made fun of...to my race, my family, my heritage be disgraced, but i will say that "I WILL NOT LET IT BREAK ME." for every jerk in the world i would like to think that there are thousands of great people, respectful people. i would like to think that...................... and i do.